So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
