I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
