Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
