We're facebook friends in real life
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
