I'm so fucking centered right now
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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