You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
foreskin is a definite game changer
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
