Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
