Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
