turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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