please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
