I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
