Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pants are for mortals
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
