I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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