Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
