I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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