You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
