Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
