you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
