The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize