Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your cock deserves a montage
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize