we have officially lost it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
