He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
