Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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