Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
