my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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