I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize