Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
