please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
