fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
