the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
