Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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