hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
