Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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