If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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