Got a toothbrush?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
