I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
