I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
