id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
