Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
