What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
