apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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