i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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