his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
