If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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