He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
