The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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