i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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