Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he quoted the bible to break up with me
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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