GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
