peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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