I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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