wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize