nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
