Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
