I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize