I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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