apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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