Girls should come with a carfax report
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
