WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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