Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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