I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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