pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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