I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
